Back in late February, I had a panic attack. There was a combination of factors that I believe brought the whole thing on (the primary one is still something I don’t feel comfortable talking about in much detail), but essentially what it all came down to was me doing my normal thing, being an observer, but instead of putting my thoughts and feelings out somewhere I was internalizing. Stewing over a variety of things from the inconsequential to the life-changing. And for some reason on that day, everything exploded.

Most things have gone back to normal. I still get the tingles sometimes, the pains in my muscles that signal an attack is trying to build up, and the occasional bout of unexplained weepiness. That’s only sometimes though. I feel good and I don’t wake up scared every morning that I’m going to deal with the crippling fear of death’s imminence.

There is one thing that has never really gone back to normal though. Something that had been such a constant in my life that nowadays I will have someone ask me about it and I’ll have to answer with an honest, “I don’t know.” And then they look at me like I’ve entered the room riding one of the horses of the apocalypse.

I stopped watching the news. I turned off NPR. Changed my radio presets to Gospel/preaching*—Classical—Soft rock—Oldies—Pop—Soft rock (in that order according to where they sit on the dial. You know, OCD and all). I turned off the TV for the most part and started watching my Dr. Quinn DVDs whenever I was waiting for my next Netflix DVD.

Some of the things in the news had stirred up a lot of emotions in me. A lot of them in roundabout ways (idiots attempting to bait me with simple discussion questions that turned into a knock-down, drag-out debate) and I won’t say that it was totally the content of the news. Just something about it keys me up. I get a thrill and really enjoy watching most news programs over anything else. But now? My love for journalistic reporting has died down to almost nothing. On one had I can’t stand to hear the anchors sing the praises of Obama, on the other I hate that every word coming out of a person’s mouth is condemnation of the president. There is no middle ground that I see. Even if it did exist, I’m not sure that I’d want to be any part of it. It reminds me too much of being “lukewarm.”

I have eased back into TV “news” just a smidge. I do love Fox & Friends Weekend and if I wake up in time I try to watch it on my couch with a cup of coffee. But it’s not the first thing that I turn on anymore. You’re more likely to find me listening to a relaxation podcast than sitting in front of a TV blasting the headlines. It’s been a nice break and I can’t say that I feel like I’m missing too much. If history is any guide, all it would take to get me sitting in front of the set again would be a national tragedy or celebrity death.** But who knows when I’ll be back to my old routine, if ever. I do have a male residing in my home now and I’ve noticed that the amount of time the dial spends on ESPN has gone up by like 5000%…

*This particular preaching is hard-hitting on the mega-church, GospelLite ™, “prosper in all things” preachers that are so prevalent these days. I like that.
**This was written on Wednesday, June 24, 2009. Who would have known we’d have Farrah and MJ the next day…