I’ll admit it. I’m guilty of going to Google and trying to figure out what random symptoms may indicate is going on in my body. Searching for “symptoms of…” or some very specific keywords to help me figure out just what is wrong with me. Because there’s always something going on.

Did I mention that I have a little bit of hypochondria? Just a touch.

Well, the other day I clicked on over to Google to try and figure something out and, wonder of wonders, I typed this little phrase and before I knew it I had tons of autosuggestions spilling out from the fount that is the Google search box. It was unbelievable. Shocking. Hilarious.

And today I am going to share some of these gems with you.

The phrase is, “What does it mean when…” (there are variations, but we’ll get to those later)

What does it mean when you crave fish?
What does it mean when your eye twitches?
What does it mean when your poop is green?
What does it mean when you dream your teeth fall out?
What does it mean when your poop floats?
What does it mean when you dream about snakes?
What does it mean when your nose itches?
What does it mean when your poop is black? (Bad news, bucko. That, or you’ve taken Pepto Bismol.)

Now for the variations. “What does it mean IF…”

What does it mean if you are the stand on vessel in an overtaking situation? (???)
What does it mean if your second toe is bigger than your big toe?
What does it mean if your temperature is lower than normal?
What does it mean if your tongue is black?

The number of very serious situations that are represented here worry me a little. Some of these things you should really get yourself to a doctor for.

But above all, the one the bothers me the most, the one that makes me beat my head against my desk and weep for the future of my children and grandchildren who may grow up in a world where this is not respected, where this has been brushed aside as old-fashioned and unnecessary, where no one abides by this one thing that separates us from the animals, is this:
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What does RSVP mean?