It’s Not Malaria

When I first went low-carb I suffered a lot of side effects. The first week or two were absolutely horrible. Lucky I wasn’t employed then or expected to be in class on a regular basis cause I was bedridden. Couch ridden, if you want to get technical. Okay, couch ridden and watching nothing but LMN, but that has nothing to do with this story. Only that I learned a lot about Münchausen syndrome by proxy that week.

I had terrible sweats, a headache that didn’t go away for a long time, and a deep, painful longing for a doughnut with chocolate frosting and rainbow sprinkles. I don’t even like sprinkles, but I couldn’t stop thinking about them.

Then…there was the rash. I won’t even tell you where it was. No, not there. Hmm…not there either. BUT YES RIGHT THERE. (See, it’s not the first uncomfortable place you’d guess, or the second, but the third. Maybe. If you think just exactly like I do. Which would be a little frightening.) First it was just ugly. Raised and red, but not uncomfortable. I can deal with ugly if I can cover ugly up. Then it started itching. And oh, did it itch. It would go days and not itch at all and then flare up. At this point I had started a new job and there are just some things you don’t do on the job. Especially if there is a security camera on you. You can do almost anything without one on you, but with one staring you down 8 hours a day, scratching is not the best thing to do.

Finally, when I’d reached my limit and I was questioning how long I could maintain a semblance of sanity with the plague bursting forth all over my body (going 1 month strong now), I called Ask a Nurse. The nurse was really sweet to me and gave me a few tips about what I could do to ease the itch and informed me that it might be some form of (WHOA — GUYS WATCH OUT, TMI AHEAD) yeast infection (not there) caused by the change in my diet and that an anti-fungal might get rid of it.

It did. Took about a month, but it went away. It wouldn’t have been so traumatic if it weren’t the first rash I’d ever experienced. I wasn’t ever a rashy kid. Now both of my brothers were and I saw them go through their share of hives and heat rash and weird reactions to inner tubes in pools in the summer. But me? Nah. Nothing.

Until about a year ago. I was soaking in the bathtub one day, just relaxing, when I noticed some beads of sweat forming on my stomach. I reached to wipe them away and…nothing. They didn’t move. Instead my fingers were met with a bumpy, raised area. And it was spreading. All up my front side. I was out of that tub like a shot and immediately on IM with Kevin’s roommate (an almost doctor at the time) trying to figure out what my problem was.

We didn’t come to any conclusions on that day, but yesterday the rash popped up again for the second time. This time, my Googling proved more fruitious as I found a description and a name for my problem in no time. This IS, without a doubt, what my issue is and I’m glad to find that it’s nothing serious.

Only the first page I landed on had the condition misspelled as “MALARIA.” Umm, no? You can’t freak a hypocondriac like me out with something like that. Come to find out it is a condition called “miliaria crystallina” (go ahead, look up pictures. I thought I’d spare you in this post) that is something as simple as your sweat not making it all the way through your skin. Instead it bubbles up near the surface. I’m not dying. Hurray!

Now you know. Go enjoy your lunch.

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