13 Foods I Should Be Ashamed of Loving

But I totally am not. I haven’t done a Thursday Thirteen in a really long time and I thought today was as good as any day to start again. And because you can’t really know me until you know what I like to eat. But if you are what you eat then what I am is cheap, greasy, and commonly found in truck stops and I’m having a really tough time coping with that.

I will admit that I had to turn to my college roommate, Heather, for some reminders about what I used to consume in the dorm. There’s truth to that whole thing about you diving into your comfort foods when you’re away from home. My first few years of college I don’t think I ate anything that didn’t have cheese on it. And I only consume white condiments, so…yeah. It wasn’t pretty.

Here we go!

1. Mashed potatoes topped with ranch dressing – Okay, this was a legitimate mistake the first time I did it. I think I assumed that because ranch dressing is white and peppery it was similar to country gravy. Wrong. BUT, this discovery should rank right up there with, you know, the “discovery” of “new worlds” that people had been living in for centuries.
2. Jalapeno Vienna Sausages – There’s no excuse. The jalapeno is impossible to find now. I haven’t had them since elementary school. I don’t know if they stopped making them ha! They didn’t. Found them on Amazon. Score!

   

3. Cream cheese – On anything. Like, umm…a spoon. Yeah, I really like cream cheese on a spoon. But I’ll take it on my cake. I’ll scoop it with a rake. I know it comes from a cow, but I’m not really sure how. It doesn’t matter to me, as long as you let me be. I really like cream cheese. Pass some, would you please?I’m not sure what just happened. I am, however, very ashamed of it.
4. Jalapeno Kettle Cooked Chips - I think this is how Heather and I bonded the first few weeks of college. There’s no telling how many bags of these things we ate. What I do remember is that very early on in our stay at Adams Tower, we spent an evening sharing a bag of these things and watching Son-In-Law. I knew I was going to be okay.
5. Fake cheese – You know what I’m talking about. That stuff in a can. And I’m not going to lie, the only reason I’ve gone to any sporting event ever in my life was for the nachos or hot dogs topped with this stuff.
6. Jack-in-the-Box Tacos – This is a new love of mine and I only first tried them last night. Bad in every way imaginable. First, they are processed (they arrive at the restaurant frozen with the meat already in the shell), then they are deep fried, and lastly they throw on a little cheese and lettuce. Be warned, I hear they can be pretty rough on the digestive system, but I turned out just fine! Ate them in the middle of a tornado outbreak and everything. (H/T to Jack of The Lost Podcast with Jay & Jack for mentioning how much he likes those things. I doubt I would have heard of them otherwise.)
7. Deviled Ham – This list may start revolving around processed mechanically separated chicken parts if I don’t watch it. Okay, so when I was a little kid I thought this stuff was fancy. We were at a church party and someone had made sandwiches with this stuff in the middle and they were cut into cute little shapes. I know this stuff has got to be what they sent back from the dog food factory, but I don’t care. It’s salty and fattening and I love it.
8. Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies – You could write songs about the things I would do for an Oatmeal Cream Pie. Again, we’re going back to childhood here. I can remember coming in after a long afternoon at my aunt’s pool in the summertime and grabbing one of these from the cabinet, sitting myself down in front of the TV, and enjoying mid-90s Nickelodeon cartoons. Mmm.
9. North Carolina Slaw Dogs – Okay, let me say that I have only had the pleasure of eating these things once in my life. I ordered it “all the way” (the way everyone else did) and while the slaw on top was a visual turn-off for me (despite being from Oklahoma, I have never, until recently, been a slaw-eater) I was pleasantly surprised at the depth of flavors in one of these hot dogs. Forgive me if I get the ingredients wrong (I’ve searched high and low online for a comprehensive list), but on mine I had a very red hot dog, chili, mustard, a dill pickle, and slaw. Maybe my husband can correct me later if I’m wrong. I’m sure it’s not good for you, but it’s so downright tasty I can’t resist. We’ll be visiting North Carolina again this summer and I can’t wait to get my hands on another one in Clinton.
10. McDonald’s Cheeseburger – It’s sort of a given and you may lose all respect for me — I don’t care. This is actually one of my favorite things to grab when I’m on the road. When I was little I would ask anyone who was eating with us if I could have the slices of pickle off of their own. In fact, I distinctly remember telling my mom that I was going to ask the people at the next table over if I could have theirs. She stopped me
11. Mayonaisse – Not really a food, just a condiment, but on here because 1) it’s totally bad, 2) if a person puts “lite” mayo on my sandwich it is going to have to be remade. Full fat is the only way I go with this stuff. And it’s low-carb!
12. You can guess this one. I went away to college and started consuming something that makes 18-year-olds the world over gain 15-25 lbs during their first year of school. You know it. Starts with a “b”… yup, the Burger King Chicken Caesar Club.

    

    No kidding, from about September of 2003 to May of 2004, I consumed one of these just about every other day. And honest — I didn’t gain a POUND that year. Don’t ask me how. Oh wait. Maybe it was hauling my tail end from Dale Hall to Sarkey’s in 10 minutes a few times each week. Yowza.

13. Quick Trip Egg Rolls – The first time I had one of these, okay, well, the only time was on a trip to Branson with Heather. We have a particular QT that we stop at on the east side of Tulsa and on this excursion we each grabbed a couple of these babies. We headed to the car and went on our merry way. Then I smelled something. I was this close to asking Heather if she had “uh-oh’d” (this is the only word we were ever allowed to use in my house; use your imagination) when I realized…it was the egg roll. I had already taken a bite and it was delicious! How could something so yummy smell like…doo-doo?

There you have it. There’s probably more, too, I just can’t think of them at the moment. Like I’ve said, it’s in my genes.

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1. Sunday Morning Coffee
2. Friday’s Feast #15
3. Kevin’s Mom’s Mac & Cheese