I have the body language of a liar. Sheesh.

(viewing on Google reader? click through for video.)

Sometime around 11:37 p.m. last night I realized that I left out the most egregious assumption I ever made about a nickname.

For a long time, I had no idea what my husband’s real name was. First or last. So there was a lot of confusion in my 19-year-old brain as to why everyone called him “Crumpy.” I mean, what is that? Of course when you know his name it makes complete sense, but if you don’t, you might be in the same boat I was whenever I first met the guy and heard his name around the dorm a lot.

My first thought — Maybe he’s grumpy and somebody thought that sounded clever. Hmm. A grumpy guy? I don’t like grumpy people. Especially people who are so grumpy that they are actually known for being so. Not that I had any opportunity to hang out with him at this point, but…STRIKE ONE!

Second thought, and absolutely the most disturbing…let me start with a video.

Around that time krumping was making its way into the main stream and being featured on a number of TV shows. And because it sounded so similar and I knew absolutely nothing about my husband back then, I thought maybe he participated in that kind of dancing. I’ve never shared that with him before. Surprise, Kevin! For me that was STRIKE TWO because if you think bringing that into the Johnson household would have been acceptable at all then you do not know my Paw Paw or Dad.

Before we get started, would you care to see William Shatner scared to death by a dancing ape creature? Thought so.

This was one of my favorite shows to watch when I was a little kid and I enjoy it even more now. Kevin and I have been going through the collections disc by disc on Netflix and I’ve gathered a pretty good group of favorites. Do you have any?

I can’t really say much about the episodes, because you know how The Twilight Zone goes. Lots of twists and revelations toward the end of an episode that would really ruin it if you knew ahead of time!

13. On Thursday We Leave For Home
Classic episode starring James Whitmore. There’s some religious commentary in this one and a really great story about a leader, change, and fear of the unknown.

12. Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up?
Like aliens? This one is for you. It’s a bit of a mystery with a funny little twist at the end. Love it!

11. A Hundred Yards Over the Rim
This episode combines two of my favorite things — the Old West and time travel.

10. Two
In spite of the fact that I really, really don’t like Charles Bronson, this is a good one. It also stars Elizabeth Montgomery as they portray the last two humans left on earth.

9. An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge
Simply because it’s also one of my favorite stories by one of my favorite writers, Ambrose Bierce. Also, I think you can gain a lot of insight about LOST from this.

8. Little Girl Lost
Little girl falls through a portal to another dimension in her bedroom. What more do I need to say?

7. Nothing in the Dark
I love the premise here. An elderly woman thinks that Death is waiting outside her door. Only the man she thinks is Death is a young Robert Redford. And he delivers one of the best lines in the entire series — “You see. No shock. No engulfment. No tearing asunder. What you feared would come like an explosion is like a whisper. What you thought was the end is the beginning.”

6. Stopover in a Quiet Town
A couple wakes up and has no idea where they are. Looks like a pretty terrible bender, but just you wait…

5. The Obsolete Man
Such a good episode. Some commentary on socialism and what appears to be the direction Rod Serling may have assumed our country was going. In his closing monologue there is another wonderful quote — “Any state, any entity, any ideology that fails to recognize the worth, the dignity, the rights of man, that state is obsolete.”

4. It’s a Good Life
There’s just something about a crazy psychokinetic child that I can’t resist.

3. Nick of Time
There’s a creepy little fortune-telling machine in this one. And there’s William Shatner. One that I actually find chilling.

2. The Invaders
Little aliens! Cah-reeeep-y! I recommend watching all of this one. There is a signature crazy twist at the end.

1. The Hitch Hiker
This one really scares me a little bit. You know me and my fear of highway deviance (à la Breakdown). This fits the bill.

I watched a lot of Designing Women as a kid. And even more as a teen when it was in syndication on Lifetime. When I was a liberal, Julia Sugarbaker was my hero and when I came to my senses I was glad to see that Dixie Carter was on my side. That, and her name is Dixie. (Would Kevin be okay with that name? Hmm…he did just suggest the names Boo, Bonney, and Agnes in a public forum. Dixie could be a real possibility.)

Anyway. Do you remember that one where Charlene has her baby and she has a dream and Dolly Parton appears as her “guardian movie star” (1:47 in this video; the whole thing isn’t available as far as I can tell, but just the bit this video features is enough to make you cry and want to have babies LIKERIGHTNOW. Just me? Okay.) in a cloudy dream world where she proceeds to sing “Somewhere Out There,” which at that time had recently been made famous by the fabulous An American Tail?

Oh, you didn’t watch that? Shame. That little piece of TV stuck in my subconscious for years and years. It was the first place I heard that pretty song (before we rented An American Tail) and I remember being so excited about this episode and watching it the night it aired. And I remember it being the first thing I’d ever seen on TV that made me want to cry for reasons that I didn’t understand. You see, it was January 1, 1990 and I had just turned 5-years-old.

Okay, I’ll shutup now.

The point is, a few weeks ago I had a dream and Sheldon Cooper was in it. I’ll blame it on the fact that my hormones were wacky and I had some crazy thoughts running through my mind. But he was there to give me a message. And right now I am going to break my rules about what I post on my blog and say a word that my parents, grandparents, and really anyone older than me who shares some kind of kinship would NOT approve of.

TMI follows: Sheldon sometimes uses really technical language to get his point across, often taking much more time than what is necessary. Dream Sheldon was no different. He started off his speech by saying, “Coitus often leads to conception.” That’s right. Coitus. Who says that in a dream? Sheldon Cooper.

Sheldon was there to tell me that I was going to have a baby. And it was weird. But comforting and informative at the same time.

(Bet you thought I was going to end this post by saying that I’m actually pregnant*, right? BAZINGA.)

*I’m not.**
**Whenever I am, I’ll say I am. None of that “we” stuff. Seriously, I want to knock people’s teeth out when they say that. When have you ever seen a pregnant man (that has always been a man)?

SPOILER ALERT: Do not proceed if you haven’t seen the finale. Unless you’re my college roommate and just plain don’t care.

I loved it. It took me a night of sleep and a few clarifications and constant reassurance from my husband, but that’s where I ended up. Loving this episode as much as I loved the previous seasons. In fact, the longer I think about it, the more I like it. Sure, there are unanswered questions and I know a lot of people are really, really upset. I’ll address that later (in part two).

As for the 10 questions I thought they might answer, let’s look at how it turned out:

1. Is John Locke (The Real John Locke™) gone for good?
   In this life, yes. I think now that we can see what became of him there is much to appreciate. Also, that John Locke and his journey represent about 50% of the LOST viewership (more on that later).
2. What is the alt-timeline and how does it relate to the on-Island timeline? Is it the “end” that these “means” are getting us to?
   We certainly got this one. It is the end that the means helped our characters arrive at. I never imagined it was that kind of end, but it worked for me. It appears to be a limbo state/created universe/collective conciousness that our Losties built together (or perhaps Hurley did it for them, I’m hearing that theorized in a number of places) so that, according to Christian Shephard, they could “find each other.” I like this idea and looking back at some of the literary clues we were given, I should have seen this one coming.
3. What is Charles Widmore’s importance and is he really dead? (I do NOT believe he is dead.)
   Wrong, Lizzy. Apparently, he was. His importance to the story and role on the island are two of the many mysteries we are left to ponder for the rest of our days. Or until The Lost Encyclopedia comes out (assuming they address him).
4. How will Desmond act as a fail-safe this time?
   He got the plug out of the hole but wasn’t destined to be the one to put it back in. I would like to know how Widmore had planned to use him.
5. Who is David’s mother? (My guess is Juliet since they seem to be building up to it and she’s the only really important female character that we haven’t seen in the alt-timeline so far.)
   Picture me, fists stretched high in the air, as Juliet talks to her son, David.
6. Will Jack be able to kill the Man in Black? HOW?
   I don’t know if he would have been able to, considering that knife to the gut he delivered to Jack mere seconds before SuperKate blasted a once-again-mortal in the back with the bullet she saved for him.
7. Will Jack make it off the Island? (Guess: No.)
   Score. I figured the last scene would be what it was, but had no idea how they would get us there. The execution of this scene was something far more dramatic and beautiful than anything I could have imagined.
8. Who will Kate’s romantic choice be or will there be one at all?
   Clearly there was one. I had no idea it would break my heart like it did.
9. Were any of these people really special or was it all just chance?
   I have some theories for real life about who you run into, why they are in your life, their importance, etc. These lives were set on the same orbit, revolving around some magnetic force (I question if it was the island or just “something,” considering how many unknown [to them] ties they all had before the crash of Oceanic 815) that pulled them closer and closer together and on the island they finally collided. They were special. To each other.
10. What are they preventing from happening by killing the Man in Black?
    In a roundabout way, the destruction of the island and what I can only imagine would have ended up being the rest of the world and all mankind. Looked like that bathtub drain/portal to Hades was getting ready to suck everything down.

A few of my more in-depth reflections will be posted later today. I wanted to go ahead and get this out there, plus the rest is getting pretty long!

Ah, Street Sharks. This was basically a poor man’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I don’t remember how it happened, but some dudes mutated into crime-fighting sharks. It was one of the many that I was forced to watch even though I hated it. The point was, you had to be in the room if the next half hour was one you wanted to choose. So if The Little Mermaid was coming on next then I had to be in the room to “call it.”

Seriously, the rules that siblings come up with are astounding.

You guys know I can get crazy with the water consumption.

I just finished jogging and I still need to get a few more steps in today. We (Kevin and me) are in a competition at our work place against other teams around the community to see who can log the most steps over a 6 week period. So far, we’re doing really good. But it’s 10:46 and I’m tired and I don’t know if those additional steps are happening.

• Why I’ll never think of Nicholas Sparks the same way again. It’s bad, guys. Real bad.
• Amy has made a pretty serious confession about tomatoes. I’m right there with her.
• Pasta Machine Giveaway at The Happy Housewife!
• A good argument for having boys. Not that any of us have a choice in the matter.
• Double Wide Mom’s touching tribute to Dixie Carter. What girl/woman raised in the South didn’t look up to this lady?
• Tasty Kitchen has some yummy sounding leftover recipes they are highlighting this week. I hope I can find something that my husband might enjoy (he’s not a leftover eater).
• 9 Great Ways to be Exceptionally Boring – I feel like I am fulfilling most of those requirements. Okay, folks. I need some more detailed advice on how to be interesting.
• How Much Does Adoption Cost? – Looks at just about every different kind of adoption.
• Sadly, there was a point in my life where I might have purchased a Barry Manilow body pillow.

Edited to add:

• BooMama! I want to learn the dance, too! I skipped out on the Hanson fangirlishness the first time around (by choice; I was exactly the right age), but ever since college I have LOVED them. They are sure enough talented musicians.

Thinking ‘Bout Somethin’

HANSON | MySpace Music Videos

That’s awful. I know. I’m sorry, really, but when I get on this subject I get really giddy and all pre-teeny and stuff. Notice I didn’t say “tween.” I think those critters are a different breed than what me and my adolescent cohorts were. All you have to do is look at the clothing we were wearing in the mid-90s and what the kids are wearing these days. There was a marked difference between what we were buying and what your average middle-aged prostitute donned on any given evening. Not so much anymore.

When the ads first started coming on for GLEE and the internet began buzzing I knew that it was the kind of show I’d like to watch. I’ve participated in a little show choir in my day. Shoot, I’d like to be in one now.

There was something about the commercial that seemed familiar and at first, I couldn’t put my finger on it. Then I remembered.

Schuester.

It was him. I stared at the TV. Could it really be?

Suddenly, all the memories came rushing back and I was 14 again. Sitting in the middle of Mr. B’s health class, doing nothing but listening to our Discmans and whatever new boy band CDs we were passing around that week. Or if you were the girls who sat over in the back corner, Marilyn Manson. I’m just saying.

Around that time there was a show that me and most of my friends were watching — Lou Pearlman’s Making the Band. In case you don’t remember, Lou Pearlman is the shady producer who treated both the Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC not so nice. As in, he took their money. But no matter. Every night that this show was on I was right in front of the TV, waiting to see the latest drama that would unfold with a house full of guys who want to be in a boy band living under the same roof. The premise seems hilarious now, but back then? Someone come and fan me, please.

Long story short, the show produced the band O-Town and without them the world would be bereft, left to go on without this gem:

Heh. Heh-heh-heh. Heeee. (I’m sorry.)

There was more drama and one of the guys that was originally supposed to be in O-Town split off and there was another boy band formed — LMNT.

(Should I mention that by this time I was 16 and should have STOPPED being into this stuff?)

Around about this time, we got the internet at my house. Woooooo-doggies! So I was keeping track of all this stuff on Yahoo groups with other 12-16-year-old girls. LMNT had its first three members (3 guys who didn’t make the cut for O-Town), but they were looking for a fourth.

It is impossible to find any visual evidence of Matthew Morrison being a part of this band, but I promise you, he was. I was familiar with him from his time spent onstage in the Broadway production of Footloose (there’ll be more on that tomorrow!) and this development was terrific for me. Apparently not so much for him, since he’s quoted as follows:

It was the worst year of my life. You know when you’re a performer and you’re out there on stage and you’re embarrassed that you’re doing something wrong. It was pretty bad.

Sheesh, dude.

So there was that, but his time in the band was short. And for years I did not see him. Until the 2005 Tony Awards.

And now…he’s on the TV again. Seeing the first commercial for GLEE was a little bit like things had come full circle for 14-year-old me. That is why it’s a good thing I never had a vocal teacher who looked like him. My voice teacher? Well…

My grandmother once admitted to me, many years ago, that when she was a child living in a small town in Oklahoma in the 40s and 50s she believed that when you went to the big city, life was like this:

(this one allowed embedding when I first wrote this; now it doesn’t. click through to watch.)

And essentially, I grew up hoping that at some point in my life there would be a moment when everyone harmonized and danced through the halls. I’m sorta still waiting on that, but GLEE gives me hope.

Only here’s the deal. I’m thankful that I never had a voice teacher that looked like this (tune in tomorrow to find out just exactly why), or we might have had this situation on our hands:

Let’s face it. I was just a little confidence short of pulling a Josie Gellar (think — the part when she gets up in front of the class and reads a poem she wrote to her crush…ugh) during most of high school.